The Totally Legitimate
'Murican Mythos Franchise Kit
Every town in America has a story. Some are true. Some are totally legitimate. We believe the best stories are the ones a community builds together — with heart, humor, and just enough absurdity to bring the whole town to the lake on a Saturday night.
We Got Bored with
“Traditional” Side Hustles
Let's be honest. The world is full of side hustles that feel like homework. Dropshipping vitamins. Reselling sneakers. Running a spreadsheet for someone you'll never meet. It's all very serious and very beige.
We are Texas Lakes Totally Legitimate Shipping Company, LLC, and we decided that if we were going to pour our energy into something, it had better be ridiculous, joyful, and bring an entire community together for no good reason whatsoever.
So we built the BSS Kittie — our “totally legitimate” shipping vessel that is absolutely not a pirate ship, definitely not armed with water balloons, and under no circumstances hosts cryptid suppression exercises on the weekends.
It worked. People came. They laughed. They brought their kids. They asked if they could start their own Totally Legitimate operation in their town.
So we wrote the kit.
“If it's not fun, why are we doing it?”
— Captain Valaar, probably
Inside the Franchise Kit
Everything you need to launch a Totally Legitimate operation in your community. No cryptid experience required. A sense of humor is mandatory.
The Mythos Blueprint
A complete guide to inventing your town's own cryptid, mascot, or supernatural legend. We walk you through naming conventions, backstory construction, and how to plant the first “sighting” in local lore without anyone questioning your sanity.
Vessel Selection & Theming
Not every town has a lake. That's fine. We help you adapt the concept to rivers, harbors, town squares, or even a really committed parade float. The BSS Kittie is a state of mind.
Crew Role Templates
Every Totally Legitimate operation needs a Captain, a First Mate, a Swabby, and at least one person whose job description makes no sense but becomes the crowd favorite. We provide character sheets, costume guides, and catchphrase suggestions.
Merchandise & Revenue Playbook
From t-shirts to foam water cannons to limited-edition “I Survived the [Your Cryptid]” stickers, we share what sells, what doesn't, and how to price it so families feel like they got a deal and you actually make money.
Event Programming Guide
Water battles. Firework shows. Cryptid “research” expeditions. The ARG roadmap. We give you the full seasonal calendar that keeps audiences coming back all summer long.
Marketing Mythology Engine
Social media templates, local press release formats, and the exact tone of voice that makes people say, ‘Wait, is this real?’ — because that question is worth its weight in gold.
America Was Built on
Legends, Grit, and Tall Tales
For nearly two and a half centuries, this nation has been woven together by the stories we tell about ourselves. Paul Bunyan and Babe the Blue Ox. The Jersey Devil. The Mothman of Point Pleasant. Bigfoot in the Pacific Northwest. Every region, every town, every backroad gas station has something — a local myth that makes people smile, shiver, or pull over to take a photo.
These myths are not lies. They are community glue.They give a place identity. They give kids something to whisper about at sleepovers. They give adults a reason to host a festival, print a t-shirt, and invite strangers to spend money in a town they never knew existed.
That is the America we love. Not the polished corporate version, but the weird, warm, wonderfully unhinged version where a town of 2,000 people can have the world's largest ball of twine and a reputation for a lake monster that only appears during the full moon.
We believe every community deserves its own mythos. We believe tourism should feel like an adventure, not a transaction. And we believe the best way to honor 250 years of American storytelling is to keep telling new ones — together.
American Mythology Hall of Fame
“The difference between history and mythology is about 50 years and a good storyteller. We intend to help your town become both.”
— The Totally Legitimate Franchise Preamble
Leadership & Logistics Support,
As Much As We Can Give
We are a small operation on a lake in Texas. But we are sincere about helping you succeed. Here is what every approved Totally Legitimate 'Murican Mythos applicant receives from us.
Leadership Mentorship
Captain Valaar and the BSS Kittie crew are available for quarterly video calls, strategy sessions, and morale support. We have made every mistake imaginable so you don't have to. We will share them with brutal honesty and a lot of laughs.
Logistics & Sourcing
Need water cannons at wholesale? Foam fireworks that look real but are very much not? Merch suppliers who understand absurdity? We maintain a vendor list vetted by actual operational experience. You get our rolodex.
Marketing & Messaging
We help you find your town's voice. Whether that's cryptid horror-comedy, wholesome family adventure, or bureaucratic satire so dry the IRS asks for water, we'll workshop it until it sings.
Compliance & Safety
Yes, you need insurance. Yes, you need permits. Yes, the Coast Guard has opinions. We provide template safety plans, liability frameworks, and the hard-won knowledge of how to say ‘family-friendly water battle’ on a permit application.
“We cannot promise you will get rich. We cannot promise your cryptid will make the evening news. But we can promise you will build something your town talks about for decades — and that is worth more than any spreadsheet ever measured.”
Captain Valaar & Killer Kittie
Texas Lakes Totally Legitimate Shipping Company, LLC
Apply for the Totally Legitimate
'Murican Mythos Franchise Kit
Tell us about your town. Tell us about your water. Tell us what makes your community weird and wonderful. If we think you're ready to build something totally legitimate, we'll send you the kit — and our full support.