Frequently Asked
Questions & Answers
Every question has two answers: the one we give to authorities, and the one we give to you. Choose wisely.
The Questions You Were
Afraid to Ask
Each response below has been reviewed and approved by our Legal Department (Captain Valaar, wearing a different hat). Click any question to read the official answer. Then click "Declassify" if you dare.
Texas Lakes Totally Legitimate Shipping Company, LLC is a fully incorporated maritime logistics and entertainment enterprise operating under all applicable state and federal regulations. We categorically deny any involvement in activities that could be construed as piracy, plundering, looting, or the unlawful acquisition of goods and/or vessels on bodies of water. Our crew members are trained professionals who hold current certifications in maritime safety, hospitality management, and theatrical performance arts.
Yes. We are absolutely pirates. We have a ship with a skull flag, we dress like pirates, we talk like pirates, and Captain Valaar literally yells 'Fire in the hole!' before launching water balloons at tourists. The 'LLC' part stands for 'Lots of Loot and Contraband' according to the Captain. We own zero certifications except one expired fishing license Jenkins found in a Cracker Jack box.
Our water-based engagement programs are structured team-building exercises designed to promote camaraderie, strategic thinking, and collaborative problem-solving in an aquatic environment. Participants utilize proprietary fluid-delivery systems (fully biodegradable and eco-certified) to engage in simulated competitive scenarios. All equipment is tested to the highest recreational safety standards, and our facilitators are trained to ensure an enriching, memorable, and completely non-hostile experience for all attendees.
We shoot each other with water cannons, water balloons, and occasionally a super-soaker Jenkins bought at a garage sale for three dollars. It is basically a full-scale naval battle on Lake Travis. Last month we accidentally sank a kayak. The 'facilitators' are just whoever is sober enough to stand up. The fluid-delivery systems are hoses we stole from Jenkins' neighbor.
Texas Lakes Totally Legitimate Shipping Company, LLC maintains comprehensive liability coverage through our industry-leading insurance partners. Our policies cover maritime operations, public entertainment events, guest hospitality, and all associated crew activities. We conduct regular safety audits, equipment inspections, and staff training to minimize risk and ensure full regulatory compliance. Guests can rest assured that every voyage is backed by robust financial protection and professional risk management.
We had insurance. For about three weeks. Then Captain Valaar used the premium money to buy fireworks. The 'robust financial protection' is literally a jar labeled 'Emergency Booty' with fourteen dollars and a Chuck E. Cheese token in it. The 'risk management' department is a dartboard with 'should we do this?' written on it. Jenkins is the risk manager. He is asleep right now.
Captain Valaar serves as the Executive Director and Chief Operations Officer of our organization. A distinguished graduate of the United States Navy's advanced nuclear propulsion program, he brings unparalleled technical expertise and leadership acumen to every endeavor. His background in managing complex reactor systems aboard naval vessels has equipped him with exceptional crisis management, logistics coordination, and large-scale operational oversight capabilities. Captain Valaar's innovative approach to 'experiential waterway commerce' has been recognized by several regional business associations.
Captain Valaar is what happens when the Navy creates a weapon, forgets where they left it, and that weapon discovers lakeside entertainment. He is the unfortunate byproduct of pure Nuc Waste — a functional fifth force of nature operating as pure Chaos Energy. He emerged from MM3 (SW/AW) Alvara's classification with a tricorn hat, a complete inability to tie a proper knot, and a stubborn refusal to acknowledge that he is not, in fact, a disgraced nobleman. He showed up to Lake Travis one day claiming he was from a 'fallen empire' (he is from Waco). He once tried to read a map upside down for 45 minutes before Jenkins gently rotated it. His 'certifications' are printed on a dot-matrix printer from 1987 and one of them says 'Best Beard, 4th Grade.' He is also our HR department. We do not know what happened between the Navy and now, and we are afraid to ask.
The BSS Kittie undergoes routine maintenance, structural integrity assessments, and mechanical evaluations performed by certified marine technicians. All hull components, propulsion systems, and safety equipment meet or exceed U.S. Coast Guard recreational vessel standards. We maintain detailed service logs, pre-voyage inspection checklists, and emergency readiness protocols to ensure every departure operates at peak operational efficiency and guest safety.
The BSS Kittie is held together with caulk, prayers, and three different kinds of tape. There is a hole in the hull that we cover with a beach towel when the Coast Guard comes around. The engine makes a noise like a dying whale. We have exactly one life jacket and it is a pool noodle with 'TITANIC' written on it in marker. The 'certified marine technician' is a guy named Doug who fixes lawnmowers. He has never seen our boat.
Our organization maintains a dynamic workforce optimized for the seasonal and project-based nature of maritime entertainment operations. Crew assignments are regularly adjusted to align with strategic business objectives, individual career development goals, and operational efficiency metrics. Departing personnel are afforded comprehensive transition support, including reference documentation, professional networking introductions, and access to our alumni association resources. We value every contribution to our shared mission.
They walked the plank. Not the fun ceremonial one for guests — the actual one. During a particularly enthusiastic 'team-building exercise,' three people 'voluntarily resigned' into Lake Travis at 2 AM after a disagreement about cracker rations. The previous first mate left to 'pursue other opportunities' (he called the police). Jenkins is the only original crew member because he cannot swim and is therefore afraid of the plank.
We welcome guests of all ages to experience our family-friendly maritime entertainment programs. Children under the age of 12 are required to wear U.S. Coast Guard-approved personal flotation devices at all times while on deck or participating in water-based activities. Our crew provides age-appropriate programming, supervised game zones, and educational content about nautical history and marine ecology. Parental or guardian supervision is mandatory for minors throughout the entire voyage.
We love children. They are excellent at fetching things. The Captain refers to them as 'tiny crew members' and once tried to sign a 9-year-old to a 5-year contract for 'powder monkey duties.' The 'educational content' is just Jenkins telling them ghost stories about a phantom duck that haunts the marina. The 'supervised game zones' are anywhere Jenkins is not currently vomiting.
Texas Lakes Totally Legitimate Shipping Company, LLC offers a transparent, fair, and guest-centric refund framework. Cancellations submitted 72 hours or more prior to the scheduled departure qualify for a full credit applicable to future bookings. Within 72 hours, credits may be issued subject to operational availability and rescheduling capacity. All refund requests are processed through our dedicated Guest Relations Department within 5-7 business days. Terms and conditions apply per executed service agreement.
There is no refund policy. There is a 'bury your complaint in the sand and hope it goes away' policy. If you ask for a refund, Captain Valaar will stare at you for an uncomfortable amount of time, then offer you a 'voucher for future plunder' which is just a piece of cardboard with 'IOU' written on it in crayon. Jenkins ate the last refund request. Literally. He thought it was a cracker.
Our retail division offers a curated selection of theatrical prop replicas, historically accurate costume accessories, and artisan-crafted nautical memorabilia. All items in our merchandise catalog are designed for recreational, educational, and collector purposes only. Nothing sold by Texas Lakes Totally Legitimate Shipping Company, LLC is intended for, capable of, or suitable for actual combat, self-defense, or any application requiring functional weaponry. Prop items are clearly marked and comply with all applicable commerce regulations.
Yes. We sell swords, daggers, blunderbuss replicas (that Jenkins definitely did not try to make functional), and something the Captain calls 'boarding axes' that are just hatchets from Home Depot with a skull painted on them. The Captain also claims he can 'weaponize the nuclear core of a microwave' if pressed. We have stopped letting him near the kitchen. The 'prop replicas' are absolutely sharp enough to open a coconut. We sold a 'costume accessory' to a guy last month and he immediately robbed a taco truck with it. The police were confused but impressed.
All pyrotechnic displays conducted by our organization are fully licensed, permitted, and supervised by certified pyrotechnicians in strict compliance with municipal fire codes, county ordinance provisions, and state-level explosive materials regulations. We file detailed event plans with local emergency management agencies, coordinate with marine patrol units, and maintain comprehensive liability documentation for every exhibition. Safety is the paramount priority in all our atmospheric enhancement programming.
Define 'legal.' We buy them from a guy in a parking lot behind a Denny's. His name is Skeeter. He drives a van with no windows. The 'certified pyrotechnician' is Jenkins after he watched a YouTube tutorial. Last Fourth of July, we set a dock on fire. The fire department showed up and Captain Valaar offered them rum. They accepted it. We are not allowed within 200 yards of the Austin Yacht Club anymore.
We maintain an active recruitment pipeline for qualified maritime hospitality professionals, theatrical performers, and event operations specialists. Interested candidates may submit a comprehensive resume, professional references, and a statement of interest through our official HR portal. Our recruitment team evaluates applicants based on demonstrated experience, alignment with organizational values, and commitment to guest experience excellence. Background checks and reference verifications are standard components of our vetting process.
Show up with alcohol and do not ask too many questions. The 'HR portal' is a napkin with 'want job? yell at boat' written on it. The 'vetting process' is Captain Valaar looking at you for 10 seconds and saying either 'You look like you have seen things' (you are in) or 'You look like you pay taxes' (you are out). There is no payroll. You get paid in crackers, rum, and the occasional gold coin (chocolate, from the Dollar Tree).
BSS Kittie is the registered vessel designation within our corporate fleet naming convention. The prefix denotes our 'Bluewater Shipping Services' division, reflecting our commitment to professional maritime logistics, guest transport solutions, and recreational waterway programming. 'Kittie' was selected through a stakeholder engagement process to evoke warmth, approachability, and the welcoming spirit that defines our guest experience philosophy. The vessel name is trademarked and protected under intellectual property law.
BSS stands for 'Big Scary Ship' according to the Captain, or 'Basically a Scam' according to Jenkins, or 'Broke, Still Sailing' according to the guy who fixes the engine (Doug, the lawnmower guy). 'Kittie' is named after Captain Valaar's ex-girlfriend's cat. He does not know why. He was very drunk when he painted it on the hull. The 'trademark' is a piece of tape with a sharpie drawing of a TM symbol.
Still Have Questions?
Our Inquiry Bureau is standing by (Captain Valaar is definitely not napping in the crow's nest). Send a carrier parrot and we will respond within 24-48 hours, assuming the parrot does not get distracted by a shiny object.
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