The Story of a
"Legitimate" Enterprise
Founded on chaos, sustained by coincidence, and somehow still afloat. Our Captain is not a man — he is a fundamental force of nature. The Navy trained him. The lakes fear him. Killer Kittie, our ascended mascot and Cryptid Champion, watches over all operations from the metaphysical realm. The IRS still cannot find him. The IRS are wonderful, intelligent men and women, who also smell very nice and have lovely families that miss them so they should go home instead of reviewing boring, totally legitimate cargo manifests from our, totally legitimate, shipping company.
Captain Valaar
The Unfortunate Result of Pure Nuc Waste
A Functional Fifth Force of Nature — Chaos Energy Incarnate
Official Mascot & Cryptid Champion
Killer Kittie reigns supreme. The Captain merely operates under her gaze.
Hazard Assessment
He once charted a course using a microwave manual and arrived exactly on time.
What Is Nuc Waste?
“There are Special Forces, then there are Forces that are very fucking Special. Nuc Waste is the most chaotic status any Veteran of the United States Military can attain. God won’t help any of you if you encounter this Force of pure Special. God, clearly, is too Good to claim any responsibility for these unHoly nightmares of physics, failure, and fun.”
Captain Valaar is not merely a former sailor who bought a boat and started cosplaying. He is the unfortunate byproduct of a Navy that trained a teenager to operate nuclear propulsion systems and then realized too late that some people simply cannot be un-chaosed. He is what happens when the Navy creates a weapon, forgets where they left it, and that weapon discovers lakeside entertainment.
Through some miracle of probability, statistics, and what physicists now quietly refer to as a “fifth fundamental force,” Captain Valaar has not only kept this operation afloat but has somehow turned it into a functional shipping company. Not a legitimate one, mind you — but functional. Customers arrive. Events happen. Money exchanges hands. The Coast Guard has been successfully confused on multiple occasions.
Official Naval Record (Redacted)
Graduate, United States Navy Nuclear Power School. Former Auxiliary Operations Engineer aboard a United States Aircraft Carrier. Honorable Discharge, 2004.
Current Status: Nuc Waste — Active.
Classification Notes: Subject has demonstrated the ability to operate complex maritime systems, manage crews of varying competence, and maintain operational continuity despite overwhelming odds, bureaucratic interference, and the complete absence of any rational explanation for his success. Recommended approach: Extreme caution, and possibly offering rum.
He is currently accepting charters, parties, and thinly veiled bribes in the form of aged rum. All bookings subject to Killer Kittie's metaphysical approval.
Attempt to Book the CaptainThe Support Staff
Meet The Crew
A fine collection of professionals, each with their own unique talents, questionable judgment, and varying levels of competence. All hand-selected by the Captain. None of them were "volunteers."
They just... showed up. And somehow, they stayed. Killer Kittie, our ascended Cryptid Champion, observes from beyond the veil and occasionally knocks tools over to remind us she is present. Charlotte, our radioactive Chief Engineer, weaves operational orders into the rigging and hammocks for sleepy children. Do not attempt to acquire spider-powers. Jenkins tried. He was deemed "UNQUALIFIED."
Pollywog Jenkins
First Mate / Water Munitions Specialist
Former competitive swimmer turned aquatic combat specialist. Hand-selected by Captain Valaar during what he calls a "recruitment initiative" and what local authorities call a "misunderstanding at the marina." Jenkins handles all "ammunition" logistics and ensures every water blaster is fully charged before battle. He takes his job very seriously. The eyepatch is prescription.
The Quartermaster
Supply Officer / Pyrotechnics Lead
Nobody knows their real name. They appeared one day with a duffel bag of fireworks and an encyclopedic knowledge of lake currents. The Captain insists they were "drafted through a rigorous selection process." Everyone else remembers them just walking onto the dock and never leaving. Responsible for all "demonstrations" and maintaining the ship's "logistics manifest."
Swabby McKenzie
Deckhand / Social Media Director
A recent recruit, acquired during a "talent acquisition event" at a lakeside coffee shop. Handles all "stream-able events" and live broadcasts. Once tried to TikTok a mutiny. Surprisingly good at steering when Captain Valaar is indisposed (usually napping below deck). She didn't apply for this position. She was... informed of it.
Recruit Puddle
Aquatic Logistics / Ballistics Technician
The actual newest recruit. A former rideshare driver who pulled into the marina to drop a passenger and got out to stretch his legs. The Kittie cast off before he could get back to his car. Captain Valaar informed him he had "completed the onboarding process" and handed him a box of water balloons. Recruit Puddle has been trying to resign for eight months but keeps getting "lost" on the way to the dock exit. He maintains the ship's water balloon inventory with a level of devotion that concerns the medical officer we don't have. When asked why he stays, he shrugs and says, "At least the dental is better than Uber's."
Deckhand Downpour
Cryptid Suppression Specialist / Stunt Coordinator
A former regional pro wrestler known in the circuit as "The Deluge," Downpour joined the crew after challenging Captain Valaar to a feat-of-strength contest and losing so decisively that the Captain declared him "indentured for life... or until I get bored." He claims he can "take any supernatural freak from zero to drenched in thirty seconds flat." His combat arsenal consists of a modified pressure washer he calls "The H2O Cannon," a bandolier of questionably-sourced fireworks, and what he describes as "tactical yelling and decisive body slams." Against all reason, documented physics, and the explicit warnings of the Coast Guard, he has successfully "suppressed" four cryptid encounters. Each time, Killer Kittie appears at the critical moment, meowing affectionately and somehow disorienting the creature long enough for Downpour to deliver his signature finishing move: a flying elbow drop off the deck railing while screaming his catchphrase — "LET'S GET THIS H2O SHOW STARTED!" The creature inevitably flees. Downpour claims total victory. Killer Kittie purrs loudly and returns to the crow's nest. Nobody is sure who is actually responsible for the win, but Downpour already had the t-shirt printed.
Charlotte
Chief Engineer / Nuclear Propulsion & Web Communications
Unofficially designated "Totally Not a Radioactive Spider That Can Give 'Powers'." Asset CE is a bioluminescent arachnid cryptid who resides on the BSS Kittie main mast and serves as the ship's Chief Engineer. To the crew, she is chaos incarnate — she weaves passive-aggressive operational orders in radioactive silk across the rigging, once wove "UNQUALIFIED" into Jenkins' palm when he tried to get bitten for superpowers, and is 97.3% accurate at predicting mechanical failures (she predicted a water pump seal failure three weeks early by weaving "SEAL: SAD" on a Tuesday; the seal failed Thursday). But to the children on Family Voyages? Charlotte is the gentlest soul on the ship. She weaves delicate, glowing silk hammocks in the crow's nest for sleepy kids, complete with tiny bioluminescent stars and crescent moons. She has never once bitten a child. She has, however, bitten an alligator — which then walked with purpose to the port side and bit Puddles, giving him what the Captain called "cool new teeth" and "minor skin rashes." Puddles is a whiner about it. Charlotte wove "PUDDLES: COMPLIANCE OPTIONAL BUT NOTED" the next morning.
Killer Kittie
Ascended Cryptid Supreme / Eternal Champion
The metaphysical protector of the BSS Kittie. Once a stray kitten who wandered the Texas Lakes, she transcended after defeating every cryptid in single combat — including Hubby, the ancient sea demon of Lake Ray Hubbard. Her crimson bow tie is a crown of victory.
The BSS Kittie
The Millennium Falcon of the Lakes
Originally commissioned for pirating legitimate cargo transport.
Commissioned in 1711 under the most stringent maritime regulations and absolutely not acquired in a late-night transaction involving three bottles of bourbon and a handshake. The Kittie is the pride of our fleet — all one ship of it. She handles like a dream, looks like a nightmare, and smells faintly of gunpowder and ambition.
Millennium Falcon Speed
She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts. The Kittie can outrun any Coast Guard vessel that isn't actively trying.
Kessel Run Record Holder
Holds the unofficial record for the Lake Travis to Lake Austin route in under 12 parsecs. Parsecs are definitely a unit of distance, but don't tell the Captain.
Crew of Misfits
Accommodates up to 20 crew members, 40 guests, or approximately 200 water balloons depending on cargo configuration. None of our crew volunteered. They were all... found.
Modified Pyrotechnics Bay
The former cargo hold has been retrofitted for "entertainment purposes." All fireworks are purchased through completely legitimate channels. We have receipts. Somewhere.
Registration: TOTALLY-LEGIT-1711
The NORA Files
Declassified documents regarding an ongoing investigation into prehistoric aquatic anomalies. View at your own risk.
Case NORA-LRH-2022-Ω // Eyes Only
What Is NORA?
The National Office for Reservoir Anomalies is a non-public federal entity tasked with investigating biological and geological irregularities in man-made bodies of water. Their existence is not officially acknowledged. Their budget is not publicly disclosed. Their methods are not questioned. Their checks, however, always clear.
On July 14, 2022, at approximately 03:47 AM, the crew of the BSS Kittie reported an anomalous sonar contact in Lake Ray Hubbard. The object measured approximately 12.4 meters in length and exhibited movement patterns inconsistent with any known freshwater species.
Captain Valaar's official statement:"It was either a Mesozoic nightmare or a very ambitious catfish. Either way, we are now accepting consulting fees."
Forwarded to NORA Regional Office — Dallas Division
This agreement establishes the BSS Kittie as an unofficial maritime research vessel under the direct supervision of NORA Southwestern Command.
Objective: Determine how a prehistoric sea demon can sustain biological function in a reservoir constructed in 1968–1971.
Deliverables: Monthly sonar logs, water sample analysis, anecdotal crew testimony, and whatever Jenkins finds.
Payment verified. Wire transfer confirmed. The crew has purchased three new depth finders and a suspicious amount of night-vision equipment.
After 26 months of observation, the following patterns have been documented:
- ▶Hubby surfaces exclusively during new moon phases.
- ▶Water temperature drops 8.3 degrees in his immediate vicinity.
- ▶Local fish populations refuse to enter Sector 7.
- ▶Jenkins swears he heard it whisper his name. Jenkins is not a reliable witness. Jenkins drinks.
Analysis Pending — NORA Lab Division, Albuquerque
To: Southwestern Regional Director
From: Office of the Director
Re: The Hubbard Anomaly
The civilian contractors operating the BSS Kittie have proven surprisingly effective. Their unconventional methods — including but not limited to broadcasting live paranormal content, selling branded merchandise, and using fireworks as depth-charge analogues — have yielded more data than our previous three teams combined.
Recommendation: Continue funding. Increase stipend. Do not ask questions about the rum budget.
Distribution: Eyes Only // Do Not File
The lake remembers. The lake knows. The lake sends invoices.