Employee Code of
Conduct & Maritime Policy
A comprehensive handbook outlining all policies, procedures, and "guidelines" governing operations aboard the BSS Kittie. HR-approved. Legally binding. Absolutely not a pirate code.
Company Policies & Procedures
The following policies have been ratified by the Board of Directors (Captain Valaar, sitting alone, drunk) and are effective immediately. All crew members are expected to comply. Non-compliance will be addressed via the ship's "employee relations program." Ask the plank.
Volunteer Status
All personnel joining the Texas Lakes Totally Legitimate Shipping Company, LLC shall be classified as 'enthusiastic participants in a maritime career opportunity.' Under no circumstances shall any individual be described as 'press-ganged,' 'conscripted,' or 'found wandering near the dock and simply kept.'
Note: If a crew member claims they did not volunteer, refer them to HR (Captain Valaar) for a 'clarification conversation' over rum.
Pollywog Training Program
New recruits shall undergo a rigorous twelve-week indoctrination program covering knot-tying, water-ammunition handling, and the proper way to scream during a coordinated advance on a land-based restaurant. Graduation requires surviving at least one fireworks 'demonstration' without abandoning ship.
Note: Eyepatches are considered professional maritime attire. Prescription or otherwise.
Retention Protocols
Crew members wishing to terminate their employment must submit Form TL-489-B ('Notice of Departure from Maritime Service') to the Commanding Officer. The form is stored in a waterproof barrel at the bottom of the lake. Good luck.
Note: No crew member has ever successfully located this form. This is purely coincidental.
Classification of Water Ammunition
All high-pressure water delivery devices shall be classified as 'maritime hydration equipment' or 'recreational aquatic delivery systems.' Under no circumstances shall they be referred to as 'weapons,' 'cannons,' or 'the things we use to soak the staff at Seafood Shack.'
Note: The Deckhand Water Blaster 3000 is a legitimate business tool. The '3000' refers to its model year. Obviously.
Engagement Protocols
When engaging in 'defensive training exercises' against land-based establishments, all crew members must adhere to the following: identify the target using official maritime signaling, announce intentions via the ship's PA system (playing sea shanties at maximum volume), and ensure all participants are wearing the Company-issued 'safety bandana.'
Note: 'Safety bandanas' are purely decorative. They provide zero protection. Do not tell the crew.
Post-Engagement Documentation
Following any 'training exercise,' the Quartermaster shall file Form AQ-77 ('Post-Exercise Aquatic Assessment') within 48 hours. This form certifies that all water discharged was done so in the spirit of 'team-building and community engagement.'
Note: Form AQ-77 is also stored in the barrel at the bottom of the lake. See Section I.3.
Fireworks as Educational Tools
All fireworks displays conducted by the Company are classified as 'advanced physics demonstrations' intended to educate the local community about combustion, trajectory, and the Doppler effect. Any resemblance to a celebratory barrage is purely coincidental.
Note: If local authorities inquire, the Quartermaster is the 'Lead Educational Outreach Coordinator.' They have a laminated badge.
Streaming Protocols
All 'educational demonstrations' shall be broadcast via the Company's official streaming channels. The stream shall include a disclaimer: 'This is a legitimate maritime training exercise. Please do not attempt this on your own vessel. We are professionals. Mostly.'
Note: Swabby McKenzie controls the stream. If the stream cuts out, she is probably trying to TikTok again. Do not interrupt her.
Audience Safety
Spectators within 200 yards of any demonstration must sign Form PY-102 ('Voluntary Participation in Educational Outreach Waiver'). Children under 12 must be accompanied by an adult who has also signed the waiver and ideally has a strong tolerance for loud noises.
Note: Form PY-102 is available on the ship's website. It is not a PDF. It is a JPEG of a handwritten note. This is sufficient.
Age Verification
All 'maritime hydration events' are strictly limited to participants aged 21 and older. Valid identification must be presented at the gangplank. No exceptions. The Captain has been tricked by a very convincing fake ID exactly once and he still hasn't recovered.
Note: The fake ID was laminated with glitter. The Captain respects the hustle.
Hydration Categories
The Company offers a curated selection of 'maritime refreshments' including rum (classified as 'sugarcane-derived hydration'), whiskey ('grain-based thermal regulation'), and grog ('a traditional recipe we are legally required to describe as historical reenactment').
Note: Grog is mostly water. The crew is unsure why anyone drinks it. The Captain insists it is 'authentic.'
Designated Helmsman Policy
Any crew member consuming more than two 'maritime refreshments' is prohibited from steering, navigation, or using the ship's PA system to recite poetry. A 'Designated Helmsman' shall be appointed before any above-21 event. This individual must remain sober. Good luck finding one.
Note: The last Designated Helmsman was Pollywog Jenkins. He lasted 11 minutes. This is a company record.
Restaurant Partnerships
The Company maintains 'trade route agreements' with select lakeside restaurants. These partnerships involve the mutual exchange of goods, services, and 'friendly competitive exercises.' The Company provides entertainment; the restaurant provides... well, they provide their 'scantly clad female defense forces.' Wait. No. They provide appetizers. Yes. Appetizers.
Note: HR has requested that we stop referring to waitstaff as 'defense forces.' HR is also Captain Valaar. This request has been denied.
Revenue Sharing
All revenue generated through 'trade route agreements' shall be distributed according to the Company's standard profit-sharing model: 40% to ship maintenance, 30% to crew compensation, 20% to 'operational reserves,' and 10% to the Captain's 'research and development fund' (rum).
Note: The 'operational reserves' are kept in a locked chest. The key was lost in 1712. We are still looking for it.
Dispute Resolution
In the event of a disagreement with a trade partner, the Company shall engage in 'formal arbitration' consisting of three rounds of water ammunition exchange followed by a handshake and a round of drinks. All disputes are considered resolved upon the completion of the handshake.
Note: If the handshake is declined, the dispute is considered 'ongoing.' See Section II.2 for re-engagement protocols.
Chain of Command
The Company's hierarchy is as follows: Captain Valaar (CEO, COO, HR Director, and Sommelier), First Mate (Second-in-Command and Water Munitions Lead), Quartermaster (Supply Officer and Pyrotechnics Lead), and Deckhands (everyone else, including Social Media). Questions should be directed upward. Complaints should be directed to the barrel at the bottom of the lake.
Note: The Captain has never received a complaint. This is not because there are none. See Section I.3.
Mutiny Prohibition
Mutiny is strictly prohibited under Company policy. Any crew member found engaging in 'organized resistance to legitimate command authority' shall be subject to disciplinary action up to and including walking the plank. The plank is 8 feet long and sits 2 feet above the water. It is more humiliating than dangerous. That is the point.
Note: Swabby McKenzie tried to TikTok her mutiny in 2023. It got 12,000 views. She was still walked.
Grievance Procedure
Crew members with concerns about working conditions, compensation, or the Captain's tendency to chart courses using microwave manuals may file a formal grievance. Grievances must be submitted in writing, sealed in wax, and placed in the ship's figurehead (a cat named 'Kittie'). The figurehead does not open. This is by design.
Note: The figurehead has received 47 grievances. None have been reviewed. The cat is very pleased with herself.
Base Compensation
All crew members receive a 'base maritime stipend' commensurate with their rank and experience. This stipend is paid in 'Company scrip' redeemable at approved lakeside establishments, the ship's commissary (a cooler), and select fireworks vendors. USD is accepted under protest.
Note: Company scrip features the Captain's face. He thinks it adds legitimacy. It does not.
Share of the Plunder
Following any successful 'trade route negotiation' or 'community engagement event,' crew members are entitled to a 'performance bonus' drawn from the event's net revenue. The bonus is calculated as: (Total Revenue - Rum Expenses - Fireworks Expenses - 'Miscellaneous' Expenses) divided by (Number of Crew Members + The Captain, counted twice).
Note: 'Miscellaneous' expenses include but are not limited to: replacement eyepatches, PA system repairs, bail, and glitter-based fake IDs.
Retirement Benefits
After five years of continuous service, crew members become eligible for the Company's 'Maritime Legacy Program,' which includes a commemorative eyepatch, a framed certificate of 'Totally Legitimate Service,' and a lifetime discount at all partnered lakeside restaurants. A pension is not included. We are a startup.
Note: The commemorative eyepatch is the same as the standard-issue eyepatch but with a gold sticker. Do not peel the sticker.
Employee Acknowledgment
By stepping aboard the BSS Kittie, all personnel acknowledge that they have read, understood, and fully accept the policies outlined in this document. This acknowledgment is binding, irrevocable, and possibly cursed. Inquiries should be directed to the Company HR Department (Captain Valaar, typically indisposed after noon).